Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
