Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
