When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
tell me about the eggs
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
