you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
