If i come over, it means nothing
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize