The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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