We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
