How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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