haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
