I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
