I wish I could punch you in the face.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
All I want is dick and wine.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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