the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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