my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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