Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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