Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
