I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
