I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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