Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
vagina is talking i cant
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
