Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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