I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
