Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize