i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Michael Bay diarrhea
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
