I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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