The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
