i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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