Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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