Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
