I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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