Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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