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how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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