if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Slut skills are useful in every country.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
