Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
NoShamevember. You game?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize