somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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