I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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