I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
