My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
