And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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