evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
