i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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