woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
