I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
