we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
