How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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