Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
