I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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