i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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