I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
