put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
