even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
