my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
