yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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