Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
