She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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