Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I look better un-naked...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize