I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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