Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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