Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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