Don't make out with my wife yet
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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