My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
