Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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