I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
