Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I supernannyed him into submission
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
